Funniest Bar Jokes You’ve Never Heard
The Best and Funniest Bar Jokes
You’ve Never Heard
There are sooo many bar jokes around today that listing them all on one page would be a near-impossible feat. Therefore, we’ve collected a bunch that we think are really funny. If you like the jokes, go ahead and share them on your favorite social media platform.
Only the Best Bar Jokes…..
Bar Jokes: Telling a Joke in a small Alaskan Town
In a bar in a remote Alaskan town, a newcomer hears people yell out numbers (#23!, #56, etc.) and then everyone laughs. He asks the guy next to him what’s going on, and he says the jokes have been told so many times, people just yell out their numbers instead of retelling them. So he yells out #27! but nobody laughs.
The guy next to him says, “Some people can tell a joke, and some people can’t.
Bar Jokes: “Still Servin’ Breakfast?”
A guy walks into a bar and sits at a table.
He tells the waitress, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary and a menu.” When she returns with his drink, he asks “Still servin’ breakfast?”
She says yes, so he says “Then I’ll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon – well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee.”
Indignantly the waitress says, “We don’t serve that kinda stuff in here!”
The guy says, “Funny… that’s what I had in here yesterday…”
Bar Jokes: “O’Reilly’s Toast”
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
Bar Jokes: The Confessional
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth and sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there, not saying a word.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
To which the drunk mumbles, “Sorry, can’t help you. There’s no paper on this side either.”
Bar Jokes: The Lecture
Roger walks out of a bar. He was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.
‘What are you doing out here at three o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.
‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.
‘And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?’ enquired the constable sarcastically.
‘My wife,’ slurred Roger grimly.
Bar Jokes: Seeing Eye Dogs
A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!” The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.”
“Oh man,” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. Here, the first drink’s on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guy sees him, stops him and says, “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s your seeing-eye dog.”
The second man graciously thanks the first man for the information and continues to the bar and asks for a drink.
Predictably, the bartender says “Hey, you can’t bring dogs in here!”
The second man replies “But this is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bartender immediately replies, “No, I don’t think so. They don’t use Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.”
The man pauses for a half-second and then replies “What??! They gave me a Chihuahua??!”
Bar Jokes: The Man with the Photo
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and then proceeds to ask for another beer.
After drinking the next one, he again looks in his shirt pocket and again asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the curious bartender finally asks him, “Say, every time you order a beer, you look in your shirt pocket. Why is that?”
The man replies, “I have a picture of my wife in there. When she starts to look good, I’ll go home.”
Bar Jokes: the DD
An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive. As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk.
The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car and gets in, the man spends another couple minutes fumbling around with his keys in the front seat before finally getting the car started.
At this point, all the other patrons have already left the bar and drove off. The cop, waiting for the guy to pull out of the parking lot, pulls him over right afterward. Since he’s seen enough already, the cop makes the guy take a breathalyzer right off.
The guy obliges, takes the breathalyzer test and looks on at an incredulous cop now looking at a result of 0.0. Astounded, the cop demands to know how that’s possible after what he’s just seen.
“Oh that,” the man says. “Well, tonight’s my night to be the Designated Decoy.”
Bar Jokes: “What is Politics?”
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”
Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,” So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, go ahead and tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”
Bar Jokes: Ol’ Friends
Mick and Sean had been drinking buddies for many years.
After having a couple of beers at the pub, Mick says to Sean,
“We’ve been buddies for years and if I should die before you, could you do me a favor? Get a bottle of good whiskey and pour it over me grave, and let it soak into the soil I’m buried under.”
Sean replied, “I would be glad to do that for me oldest friend. Would it be OK if I passed it through me bladder first?”
Q: What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
A: Enough drumsticks for everyone!
Q: What sound does a space turkey make?
A: Hubble Hubble
Q: What did the turkey say to the hunter?
Three Vampires Joke
Three vampires walk into a bar and approach the bartender.
“What’ll it be?” the bartender asks.
“Pint of blood,” the first vampire replies.
“Make that two,” says the second.
“Gimme a pint of plasma,” says the third vampire.
“OK,” the bartender says, “So that’s two pints of blood and a pint of blood light?”
Redneck Halloween Joke
Q: What do rednecks do around Halloween time?
A: Pump Kin
A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed and the passion starts heating up. Suddenly, the wife stops and says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
Incredulous, the husband says, “What?”
The wife explains to her husband that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen that night and decides to roll over and go to sleep.
So the next day the husband takes her Christmas shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.She can’t seem to decide which one she likes so the husband tells her he’ll buy her all three of them.
They continue around the department store and the wife ends up picking up three sets of matching shoes worth $200 each, adding them to her shopping cart.
The wife is super excited and trots off to the jewelry section like a kid in a candy store. She picks out a pair of diamond earrings and is elated when her husband nods “sure”. She starts to think her husband has flipped out, but she doesn’t care and tries to push her luck and pick up a bracelet as well. The husband says, “You deserve the best for Christmas, go ahead.”
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, “I am so happy that you’re buying all these things for me for Christmas honey. Can we go check out now?”
To this the husband replies “No honey, I don’t feel like buying all this stuff for you right now. I just want you to hold the stuff for a while.”
The look on his wife’s face is indescribable and as she is about to explode on him, the husband adds,
“You must be in tune with my financial needs as a man.”
Since there are so many good bar jokes out there, we’ve had to create multiple pages where you can get your laugh on. Check out:
- Selection of some of the best walks into a bar jokes
- And more walks into a bar jokes
- Collection of short walks into a bar jokes
- Yet another selection of random jokes
- Bartending memes
Heard a great bar joke that you think deserves to be on our best bar jokes page? If so, leave it in the comments below and if it passes our strictly funny criteria, we’ll publish it on our site.